I didn’t believe it when he said it and I asked him to repeat what he had just said. He did and I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I didn’t break down; I just tried not to believe what I was hearing. He couldn’t be dead. My father was my everything and he just couldn’t be dead. I asked to be left alone and decided to go into the house. I told myself that he couldn’t be in the house lying there lifeless. So I went inside convinced that this wasn’t happening. I entered the house and headed straight to the leaving room, and there in front of me was the coffin, with my daddy in it. I couldn’t bear to look at him like that and just left as soon as I could. I went to join my brother in one of the bedrooms and finally the reality began to set in.

I finally broke down and started to cry uncontrollably, I asked myself why this had happened. I didn’t know why God had done this and why He had taken away the one person that meant everything to me. I felt that everyone around me didn’t understand what I was going through and I didn’t want anyone comforting me. My heart ached and I could feel the pain in my chest. Nothing had ever felt so painful, I felt I couldn’t breathe and I was suffocating. My life with daddy flashed in my head and I remembered all the talks I had had with him. The times he called me his little girl, I remembered how fragile he thought I was and how he always tried to protect me.

I remembered the note he wrote me at school when he failed to make it for visiting day and how my big brother said I was the only one he wrote to. I remembered him telling me I was as beautiful as my mom. I just couldn’t see my life without him.

I had always looked up to my dad and I guess he knew it and tried never to let me down. He always tried to give me what I asked for and explained to me why, when he couldn’t. He was strong and big hearted. And I see a lot of him in my big brothers. They are real men like my father was. He loved his children and his family and always showed it.

My siblings always said that I was my dad’s favourite and thought I would be affected most by his death but they were surprised when I moved on normally.

I still don’t understand it myself. After the burial, I was obviously hurt and kept thinking about him but life still went on. It has now been years and I still haven’t had that big break down. I think about him every now and then and every time I do it brings tears in to eyes and I wonder how different it would all be if he were here. How proud he would be of his little girl.

I am still waiting for that break down because I know it will come. He was the greatest man in my life, the one who made me what I am today, the one who told me I was intelligent and could do whatever I set my heart on. He taught me to be kind and to love people. He taught be to let go and laugh sometimes. He taught me to love life. He loved me like a father should love a daughter, with his whole heart and being.

I still feel robbed , I feel that life could have been different with him in it and sometimes I want to be able to call him and cry because life is so hard or to tell him that I am happy or to ask him for advice. I miss him so much and I wish that break down could happen now. So that I get the chance to mourn him as he deserves and then maybe I will let go of him and let him rest in peace.

One of my closest friends started seeing a married  guy during our last semester on campus, I thought it was just a fling like most things on campus and didn’t voice my concerns in the beginning.

With time the fling became a constant and I started hearing his name more often, this sent alarm bells ringing and I decided to talk to her about it.

My friend wasn’t very happy about this and stopped talking about the dude or even telling me about her plans with him. She couldn’t even pick her phone calls in presence. Because i treasure her friendship, I decided to mind my business. After some time she realised i had it out of love and started warming up to me once again.

I tried to look at the whole situation differently and even went out with both of them a couple of times. This didn’t change my opinion on these kinds of relationships but only confused me the more about this thing called love.

My friend has continued with her relationship almost half a year out of campus and I try not to interfere anymore. She seems happy and says the guy treats her like a queen and loves her just the way she wants to be loved.

I am happy for her even though I know that this is going to end badly and that someone will get hurt and it will probably be her.

I am confused because love comes in different forms. Why does  God let us fall in love with people that we can’t have? And why is it that the people that love us best are the ones that are already taken?  Even when you do it the right way and avoid the marrieds or the ones in relationships, is it guaranteed that you won’t get hurt? No!  So why should one deny themselves this happiness even if its for a short time.

I have been in a legit relationship and have fallen for other guys and yet never have i acted on this feelings. all in respect of my relationship and my partner and yet what did i get for trying to be so good, a lot of pain and betrayal. so what is the point? Why should you be so good when you’ll get hurt in the long run?

It all doesn’t make sense anymore and i think people should just max any chance they get at love because in the long run it f***s us all up!

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there's the healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I would, would be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there is healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin)
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

 I miss the mornings the most. I miss the way you always woke me up at 6.30 in the morning as you got ready for work, knowing very well how I love my sleep and hate interruptions. And how I pretended to listen to what you were saying while dozing off and you waking me up again every time I did. I miss how you always put on the radio the moment you got up, to listen to your favourite morning show duo, Fat boy and Melanie, and me asking you every morning to turn the volume down because much as I liked this show, I loved my sleep more.

It is sad how that routine seemed ordinary then yet there is nothing I long for more right now. You have a way with me. You calm me down when I lose my nerve and get confused, you tell me what I need to hear and remind me of the most important things when I seem to lose focus.  I wonder how I have made it through these past three months and still fail to find the answer.

I miss calling  and asking you to come down and help me make a choice when I went shopping and failed to make it myself, unlike many men, you never asked me to get a grip but just came over and helped me with my small problem.

I miss trying to impress you with my cooking every once in a while because I knew how much you loved home cooked meals.  I know I always somehow messed it up but it wasn’t always my fault, power cuts had a hand in some of my failures, but I guess the thought is what counts.

 I miss the arguments we had about where to go to eat, to dance, to party and to take pictures. We argued most about going out because we did this the most and I miss that too. I still don’t understand why we argued about this but now that I think about it, I guess it’s because you wanted me to make the choice and I wanted you to be a man and do so. Weird thing is we always ended up in the same places.

I miss our Friday movie nights, telling me early in the day to be ready for the movie at 9, only to rush home at 8 to find me still perched in front of the telly trying to finish something I don’t usually watch. You never yelled but just told me to get ready because we would be late. I guess this is why I never took you seriously. Sometimes you need to use some hard love to get stuff done. We were never on time and I guess that is mostly my fault.

 I miss how we always argued about the movie to watch, me wanting the romantic comedy and you preferring the action, I always won because you are too nice for your own good. I miss how we always argued with the lady at the counter about the discount on our tickets never ever convincing her, until we decided we would only get our discount if we made our orders independently. I still have the tickets of ‘17 Again’, the last movie we watched together.

I miss your love for the finer things in life; it somehow rubbed off on me.  I miss seeing you dress up and thinking, ‘God, my man has style!”   You have such good taste in practically everything, in food, in clothes, in perfumes, the list goes on.

 I miss the way you looked at me in the morning before you left for work, and how you said you loved me, not just saying it with your lips but with your eyes and your entire body. And every time, you did, I blushed because I didn’t believe that you could still love me this much after three years of dating.

 I miss how you called out my name every time you got to the door in the evening, as if you couldn’t wait to get inside to see me. The way you always asked how I was and if my day was good, always wiped away the memories of a bad day.

You were like a part of me, a part I would not function properly without. I depended on you and valued your opinion on everything. Three months have passed since I left and still feel like I am missing an arm. I want to be where you are, to feel that assurance and comfort and love that only you can give.

I keep hoping that I will stop missing you as much that I will get used to the loneliness and it will soon fade away. Sometimes I even think that I should find someone to love me and maybe I will forget about you then and the pain won’t be as intense, but all this is in vain. Because I know that you were the real thing and that the pain of losing you is pain I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

I know this might seem like a rebellion and that you might look at me as a young person who seems to know very little about life. But do I need to remind you that this is my life, mine to live, that I should be the one making the decisions not you.

Isn’t it unfair that you should try to live your life through me? You made your mistakes and now it’s my turn. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, you know I love you and I am forever grateful for your love and care but you can’t protect me from the world for ever. What will I do when you aren’t there to hold my hand or to tell me what to do?

Your time is up and you need to let me go.  I too need to live, and I can’t do that with you always second guessing my decisions, it is suffocating. Let me be please. Let me make my own mistakes and learn my lessons on my own. For that will only make me stronger and wiser.